…which, by the way, if you look it up on your Amazon, was written by God, and I started at the beginning because in church they always read the same parts. And do you know what I found?
Okay, wait. Let me explain why I was reading the Bible. I was in church and doing the whole aerobic up, down, kneel, sit, repeat thing while they read and said and shook their fingers at the congregation. I figured that I had heard it before so I would read the bible instead. I found one on my Kindle for $0.99 and I was good to go. So, I’m reading along instead of listening to the same Lent sermon they give EVERY SINGLE YEAR and I found out something they don’t tell us in church.
People used to live for, like seven or eight hundred years. Seriously. Now, I don’t know how many of them were years worth living, but guys were “begatting” children well after they were one hundred years old. Without Viagra.
This is some kind of conspiracy. This is in GENESIS, for Christ’s sake (oh, sorry). God, as author of the Bible, wanted us to know this shit. His people were living long, sexually active lives and begatting right and left while we’re doing church aerobics and not listening to the same sermon about Christ outwitting Satan. Don’t you always want Jesus to just smack him and tell him to snap out of it? Anyway, while we’re doing the church macarena, we could be living for a long time and begatting the daylights out of our spouses.
Why doesn’t the church explain that one, huh? I’m worried. I’m wondering if the Bible is really the first work of bestselling fiction that may or may not have been written by one of James Patterson’s co-authors because we all know Patterson has a deal with Satan.